Journal Entry – Saturday 11th March
It’s now twenty past ten Saturday morning. Been up for about an hour. Went to bed late last night and couldn’t sleep. Ear infections and antibiotics do not a fun night make. Probably because I didn’t drink Friday night. Not through choice. Ear infection. Antibiotics. Had dreadful night Thursday, ear really hurting and swallowing was a nightmare. Made me cry in the end. Went to emergency surgery first thing Friday morning. Had to wait nearly two hours. Hate going to the doctors. So depressing. Full of teenagers with kids they can’t control and old people.
How can such a little thing like an ear infection hurt so much?? Took the whole day off. Started crying when I rang James to tell him I wasn’t coming in. He got rid of me double quick time. ‘You sound like shit. Stay at home, I don’t’ want to catch it! Make sure you’re in by 7.30 on Monday to make up for it.’ Selfish bastard. He was probably on the golf course anyway, when’s he not on a Friday?
So, yesterday was a wash out. Fell asleep in the afternoon. Dark when I woke up. Didn’t like that. Karl texted. Told him I wasn’t up to anything. Missed out on a night down the Sailors Arms. Like it there. Oh well.
What else. Nothing much. Too much noise in my head. Couldn’t stop thinking about my ear infection. Imagining all the horrible things it could be. Then started worrying about what I’d do if it got really bad. What if I had to take more time off work. God, I couldn’t afford that. So much debt to pay off.
Don’t know what I’d do if I hadn’t found that charity, Step Change the other week. Was just too much to deal with on my own. People ringing all the time, sending me shitty letters addressed to both of us. Pay it now, pay it now. I owe more than I earn for god’s sake. That’s all stopped now I’ve got a payment plan.
But it’s so unfair I have to pay off all the debts when he just bloody disappears.
And it’s not like I’ve got anything to show for it. He spent most of it on himself. Couldn’t get a proper job could he? Bastard. Can’t think about him, makes me so angry feels like my chest is on fire. That goes round in my head all the time too. Why did I put up with his shit? For years. Everyone told me he was taking the piss but no, I knew he loved me. Loved the mug more like. See, this is what happens when I start. HE MAKES ME SO ANGRY.
I’m not going on anti-depressants. Not yet. Couldn’t bring it up in the doctors. Not just because of the ear thing. Don’t really know why. I’ve taken them before. But last time was because of my thyroid. Not got that excuse this time.
Now I just don’t think I can cope.
Can’t believe I just wrote that down. I can’t cope. Pathetic really. It’s not like there’s anything really wrong with me. God help me if anything serious happened. What a wuss. Rubbish. Feel really down today. Don’t like it.
Oh, just remembered. Monday night didn’t feel too bad so spent a couple of hours online reading about depression. There’s a lot of it about. Have started bookmarking pages that looked interesting so can go back there when I’m up to it. Can’t read much in one go. It’s overwhelming. But at least I’ve bookmarked stuff. That’s a start.
Can’t wait ‘til these antibiotics are finished. Need to be able to sleep. Right, going back to bed for a bit now.