What the hell is wrong with me?
I know, I know, probably loads of things, probably nothing. It’s all about the discovery right? Taking charge, being actively involved in my thoughts so I can spend the rest of my life doing the things I want to do. So what the hell is wrong with me?
Well bloody hell. I reached 50 this summer. But apart from the odd 5 minute skirmish with personal development, it coming out a battered looser I might add; I’ve pretty much lived my life by going where the wind blows. It’s been fun, it’s been rubbish, it’s been exciting, it’s been stressful, it’s been, it’s been…a life unplanned.
Until one day recently I woke up and looked in the mirror and thought ‘what now? What’s going to happen to me in the next 10 years? The next 20?’
‘What the hell am I for?’
And the more I though about it the more it felt like I wasn’t anything. All I could see was what I hadn’t done, what I’d failed at, what I didn’t have, what was wrong with me, how poor I was, how slighted I’d been, how unappreciated I was, how miserable I was.
I had a big empty space in my heart just full up with complaints.
There was a bird in my chest and it’s wings were beating my lungs to death. I couldn’t breath. My brain was too big for my skull. I kept crying, for no reason at all. Often.
And the really weird thing was that nothing had changed for the worse. Everything was the same. Except me.
Eventually I got bored of myself. The same thoughts, the same conversations, the same feelings, the same complaining. I HAD to do something. Anything. I was full of so much resentment and anger it was making me sick.
Now I’ve read a lot, and I mean a LOT of personal development websites, eBooks and blogs recently. (If I’m going to do something, I like to be prepared!) And there seems to be a consensus of what a person can do to get a grip of their lives.
So I dived in, picked some techniques that caught my eye and started practicing. Amazingly I started to feel positive changes almost at once.
I’ve jotted them down in a short eBook ’10 Easy Things You Can Do To Take Control Of Your Brain.’ Feel free to download it!
Well I’ve been practicing every day for about four weeks now. Some days I do more proactive stuff than others. And the more I get into it, the more confusing it gets. I’m happy I’m moving in the right direction, I’m not symptomatic of depression any more, which is a good thing.
But the chattering jabberwocky in my brain is cooking up a storm.
I’m starting to think I’m making myself a little crazy!
Got a tingling in my mouth a lot of the time, especially if I’m doing, or thinking of doing, something that’s outside my comfort zone (which is just about everything that’s not paid for work!) Apparently that’s a symptom of anxiety, who knew!
Don’t know what to do with my spare time. No, that’s not true. These’s so much I want to, but I’m not doing it. Or I’ll start, and then stop. Everything I focus on my mind slides away from. The more I fail at choosing what to do, the worse I feel.
I’m second guessing every decision I make. What the hell is wrong with me?
‘Ease up,’ says the bit of my brain that’s remembering what I’m learning. ‘This is just you panicking about change, you’re judging yourself, trying to force yourself back into those safe, familiar patterns. Just keep going. Calm down, work though it. You CAN choose how you feel.’
‘Bollocks’ says the other bit of my brain. ‘You’ve got nothing new to say. It’s all been said, and by people that are a lot more credible than you. You can’t do this (whatever this is) that’s absolutely clear. Stop trying, you’re kidding yourself anyway. Who wants to read about your ‘journey’? And what makes you think you can do something new. You’ve tried before. How well did that work out?’
‘Ha!’ Says the learning part ‘Old habits, old ways of thinking. I banish you. My eye is fixed on the future. And I am not giving up now!’
And so it goes on. Some days are better than others.
I’m feeling it physically. There’s a war going on in my brain. It’s wriggling around like a fish on a hook.
I don’t know if this is normal. I haven’t found anyone else talking about this part of the process. Does everyone feel like this? And if they do, why aren’t they talking about it?
There’s a lot about keeping on practice though, so I’m hoping I’ll settle down soon!